maybe is the hair cut. maybe is the grey and rainy day. I feel uncomfortable. in my little world something changed (maybe it's both) and caught me unprepared. maybe is a recent fear of losing my mother (and my ground). I used to love rainy days to be cozy inside. I also used to love reading (now I'm not ready to deal with all the emotions). rainy days were reading days. today, instead of spending the day working on the computer, I spent it watching television with my mother. after the third episode I was feeling weird. maybe it was that too. my mother spend the all day watching tv. can't keep up with her. I'm happy with one episode in the evening. tv during the day makes me feel weird. not a good experience. maybe is because this Sunday we are going to catch a bus and walk a while to see an exhibition. being outside so long makes me want to stay in bed. my mother has her own psychologist and I fear I'm the topic of conversations. my mother speech is changing and is silly like if she completely forgot what I've been through. like someone else's voice. a lot of things are going to change this year and it's happening too quickly for me. my mother is my ground. that's not good. I don't feel I've a ground on my own. maybe I feel threatened. my psychologist said I'm like a bird who lives in a cage and so she wants me to be outside a day a week, it has to be slowly. this approach doesn't scare me. what scares me is that my mother's doctor wants her to attend Senior's University and I might be left alone. I don't intend to be selfish but I'm afraid of myself. alone. maybe tomorrow my fears will be gone!